I'll try to explain more so all of you can make a proper input. When little, maybe 1-2, I had a hernia that set me back. I had to relearn to walk and such. I was almost diagnosed with Asperger's or Autism when I got into elementary school. My speech therapist was the one that brought this up, according to my mom. I'm prone to ear infections, strep throat, tonsillitis, and scarlet fever, just thought i'd add that. I've also had OCD tendencies as well. I would carefully organize my files on my school computer so I know where everything is at, i'd organize certain things in certain ways but it was never full-blown if that makes any sort of sense. Last February I got out of a long distance relationship with my ex, this relationship brought me to my knees, it wore me out. She had depression, low-confidence, etc., and I tried my best to be positive and keep her up but it was difficult. It got to the point where she slept a lot and talked less with me. Eventually this made me have me first anxiety attack and it was not a great feeling. She also made me feel depressed, made me feel like I wasn't enough, and made me feel like I wasn't myself. When last August-September came around, I still hadn't gotten into another relationship. I talked to a few girls but either they weren't interested, they were in a bad relationship but loved their partner, or I'd feel like I wasn't the same and couldn't really connect like I used to with girls. I used to be a sweetheart and happy-go-lucky even though I was more on the shy side. At one time I just thoughts girls were goddesses pretty much. One night at that time, I was thinking about my ex and how I haven't been able to connect like I used to then I had a thought that I was gay and I had a panic attack, curled up in a ball and just kept saying no. See, when I was younger I was abused by my dad's ex's son who was the same age as I am. At the time it felt voluntary, but know that I look back maybe I was abused. This happened from when I was 9 to around 13. This is what caused my panic attack. For a few months I obsessed that I was gay and i'd shake my head every time I saw a guy-- I was very prone to panic. When November-December came around I found out about this pure obsessional ocd called Homosexual OCD (HOCD) and I said, "That's me!" I had a lot of the symptoms OCDLA was talking about in their HOCD page. I then talked to one of the coordinators for OCDLA and she told me that It seemed like I had HOCD. I started to look around for ERP therapy since that was what the lady said I needed and I found a psychologist in town that does ERP therapy. I contacted her a few months ago and she told me she'd put me on the waiting list. I haven't heard from her since. Now, when I was in the middle of my HOCD, there was a night where I put the family chihuahua in the kennel for the night (we put her in there at night so she doesn't chew things and mess around) and when I put her in there I had a thought that I hurt her. I just brushed it off and went to bed. Ever since then i've been afraid to hurt her. A few weeks ago I was messing around with my sweater strings with the fridge door and I had a panic attack after I had a thought that I was killing myself. This is when I researched a found out there's a pure obsessional OCD called harm OCD. A lot of the symptoms that I have matched with OCDLA's description of harm OCD. I actually talked with the same lady that I talked to about HOCD and she said, "It seems like you have harm OCD." Harm OCD can be confused with actual 51/50 and I was actually put into an inpatient hospital voluntarily because of it. I actually told the lady that and she was flabbergasted by that and said,"Wow, your therapist actually thought you're 51/50?!" I also told her that my therapist said that ERP is dangerous, even though every OCD specialist I talk to say it's safe and that they wouldn't make their patients do anything that is out of line or out there. After waiting 26 hours, I skyped with the psychiatrist and she said she had worked in a OCD clinic for 2 years and said that I needed to get Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. She was the one that diagnosed me with OCD. I'm still waiting for the psychologist in my area to contact me so I know when exactly i'm going to be seen. I'm getting really impatient and i've expanded my horizons when it comes to treatment. I'm looking into trying to either get treatment through OCDLA, or some other OCD specialist that offers skype and phone therapy. I got into a disagreement with my mom yesterday because "I'm only fixated on getting OCD help, not the Asperger's". I told her I understand that I may have Asperger's, but that's not the only big priority here. I also need OCD treatment and she got really mad at me. At this point I feel like nobody understands, the only time I really get relief is when I talk to an OCD specialist and they tell me, "Kudos for sticking to your guns and trying your best to get help... help will be here for you soon. Only you know what is truly going on, but don't ignore advice." I actually almost shed a tear right now. All these repetitive thoughts have brought me to my knees but I'm still standing here telling my story. I may be depressed, I may feel pretty emotionally numb, I may be easily agitated, but I'm not giving up. If this means I have to do ERP on my own, so be it. This is my stand on it. I may be scared and fearful, but God knows i'm not going to let it devour me. I actually posted on Facebook last week after i got out of the inpatient hospital that if anybody has been going through a lot with OCD, depression, anxiety, etc, that they're not alone and to have people they know or themselves get help.